zmorganaz

• Delen

woensdag, 22 april 2009 om 13:15

I wish it were simple.
Every time I close my eyes I see her face. Her lips. Her eyes. Her everything. It's complicated.
We fooled around in drunk times, although for me it was quiet sober. She was single, I was just gay and making fun. She thinks she's straight. I'm just an exchange student, and I'll go away. Now she's in love with someone, a boy. But still we fooled around that day and I didn't feel like just a toy. I said that this whole thing was wrong. I didn't want that she would feel guilty and that he would be unhappy and that all because of me. At that point if I didn't stop she would go on. For a change I was the logical one, while I blocked my heart and hidden my feelings sitting there holding her hands above her head knowing how hard I wanted her. I let go. I couldn't do it, I couldn't let her know.
I want to see her. I want to know her. I want to be with her, touch her...and I can't. It would never go anywhere between us. It hurts. In my heart, and not only because I want her so badly but also because I don't want to destroy what that couple has. I still have the weirdest dreams that I wake up in the night feeling that she is beside me. But it is not what it seems. I can't explain. I'm really scared that she'll become unhappy. facing some of her biggest fears, being loved.
This has never happened to me before. Usually I don't care and I don't even know her. I go away anyway. How can I feel this much emotion about someone I don't even know? I think that's the problem. I'm not allowed to know her, to find out that I may not even like her in the long run. She will let me, but I won't let myself. I block the feelings but sometimes it's hard. That's why I wonder. That's why I'm curious, and why the feelings just won't disappear, they can't come out. If I could only be with her, and know for sure. I'll not drive them apart but she is so amazing so mature. In some way we are so alike.
I think she feels the same or somewhat similar. I know she has some feelings for me in someway. Even though she denies it right after she expresses it. The way she touched me when she was kissing me, the way she looked in my eyes when we were fooling around and telling each other it's not right what we are doing. Still she kissed and touched me. I felt her body shiver with excitement. I recognized that reaction because I feel that same reaction when I'm near her too. It felt like there was more cause you won't react like that if you were straight. Unfortunately our paths have crossed at the wrong time. Too bad, so sad. I should have tried long before you became close to him. Anyway I'm to late.